The Colleague Chronicles
by legolascrazy17
Summary: A quite amusing glance into the surprising journals of Minerva McGonagall and her colleagues. Parties in the staffroom, unrequited love, and humorous situations abound...
1. The Musings of Minerva

**Finally, finally, finally I have posted Chapter Numero Uno of my new story, the professors' journals! I hope you all read my Author's Note last Saturday and understand why I was not able to post earlier. Please read, review, and above all else enjoy the first chapter of my newest endeavor! I would LOVE some honest constructive crticism on this writing, so please, please, _please,_ give me some- I need to know if this story is worth continuing or if I should try another one of my ideas. **

**I found all first names of the professors at Harry Potter Lexicon, a truly excellent resource. In case there is any confusion:**

**(I assume you know who Albus, Minerva, and Severus are, so I won't insult your intelligence. LOL.)**

**Auriga is _Sinistra_**

**Filius is _Flitwick_**

**Irma is _Madame Pince_**

**Rolanda is _Madame Hooch_**

**Ponoma is _Sprout_**

**Argus is _Filch_**

**Sibyll is _Trewlaney_**

**and**

**Alastor is _Moody._**

**Enjoy, loyal and new readers! **

* * *

**September 1st, 1994.  
****10:30 PM**

Honestly, if it was anyone but Albus...

Same Day.  
10:32 PM

He wants each of us professors to keep a _journal. _I kid you not. The reactions of my colleagues to this cheery announcement at our first staff meeting...

Severus: Sat in a secluded corner, looking as slimy and greasy as usual and merely raised his hairy eyebrows at Albus's ridiculous idea. Really didn't appreciate my rather loud remark at the end of the meeting. (I suggested that there should be a higher hygiene standard among the male members of the teaching staff). That bat took so much offense to my idea that he stalked out of the room in a huff, five minutes early, much to the disappointment of Irma, Sibyl, Pomona, Rolanda, Auriga, and Poppy. Quite disturbing, really.

Filius: Squeaked gaily, then proceeded to topple out of his chair.

Irma: Clapped her hands gleefully with _way_ too much excitement. Then again, if you spend all your time among those dusty books of the library, reprimanding boisterous first-years and lip-locked seventh-years, perhaps the prospect of keeping a journal would be thrilling.

Rolanda: Looked faintly alarmed at the idea. I firmly believe that Ronald Weasley's pinky possesses more intelligence than that woman ever will. Most likely she took one too many Bludgers to the head...eh, we'll never know for sure...

Alastor: Took a sip from his hip flask and burped extremely loudly. I don't care how elite of an Auror that man is, he _desperately _needs to learn some manners. Or else we may have to have a little duel one of these days. They say that Mad-Eye is one of the best duelers around, but surely I could give him a run for his money. After all, I was rather skilled in my younger years...

Sibyll: "The close proximity of Venus to Mercury indicates..." Not exactly sure what she said next. I do my very best to ignore that crackpot at all costs.

Argus: "I don't have time to write a bloody journal. Those bloody first years track bloody mud all over the bloody castle every bloody day."

Binns: Obviously becoming bored with the meeting, he floated through the wall of the staff room and off to wherever he goes at night. I reckon he figures that there's not much Albus can do to him, seeing as he's already _dead..._

Ponoma: Stared off into space, obviously daydreaming about her newest botanical endeavor. Didn't even notice how Rolanda and Auriga were snickering at the enormous amount of dirt all over her clothes, face, hair, etc. She really needs to get together with Severus and start an anti-bathing club.

Auriga: Batted her eyelashes at Albus dramatically. What a _skank!_ He is _triple_ her age. Can't say I would be terribly sad if someone were to push her off the edge of the Astronomy Tower...

And, finally...

Moi: Gaped at Albus for a long, long time. Noticed how blue those eyes of his are...

Damn. I don't like Albus. I really, really, really don't. We're just good friends. Nothing more, nothing less.

**September 3rd, 19940  
9:02 PM**

I am officially the only sane female over the age of 18 in this castle.

Why, oh why, _oh why_ does everyone find Severus so attractive?

To quote Irma, "he just _radiates _sexiness, Min."

I ponder the state of my mental health when I decided to be best friends with that librarian.

But it's not just her...

Rolanda claims that he has an "incredibly hot body," Sibyll says his "constant brooding makes him even more appealing," Ponoma insists that "that long black hair of his is a real turn-on," and Auriga, bless her soul, believes that he is the "most delectable man on this planet." I firmly disagree with every single claim, but it could be worse...they could all be lusting after MY Albus!

Same Day  
9:04 PM

Well, not _my_ Albus...but you know what I mean. I care about him very much in a strictly platonic manner, and would hate to see him distracted from his very important jobs by a lot of over-hormoned middle-aged women. Really. That's the only reason. At all.

**September 8th, 1994  
5:15 PM**

Dear Merlin, I eagerly await the day the delegation from Durmstrang arrives. Until that fateful hour, though, my ears will have no rest from the incessant chattering of certain individuals...

**September 11th, 1994  
11:02 PM**

In an _incredibly_ good mood right now. Just returned from a most _lovely_ game of chess with Albus. Merlin, is he brilliant at that...

And many other things too, I would dare to assume.

Oh, not _those_ sorts of the things. I was referring to dueling, charms, etc.

_Right._

I am a 69-year old woman. I simply should NOT be even _considering _thinking such lewd and inappropriate thoughts at this age...

But, alas, _I am._

Hehe.

**September 13th, 1994  
9:56 PM**

Just about to leave for a party in the staffroom in honor of Auriga's birthday. It should be a grand time, no doubt about that...throw lots of Firewhiskey, food, and, of course, our dignified Headmaster and nearly a dozen of my colleagues into a room and many rather _interesting_ situations are bound to unfold...

**September 14th, 1994  
5:10 PM**

Damn right they did.

After about his third shot of Firewiskey, Severus asked me to dance. Yes- _to dance._ Now, had I been in my right mind and not just having downed my _fourth_ shot of Firewiskey, obviously, as anyone would tell you, I would've turned down his offer in a split-second. Quite rudely done so, to be honest- I still haven't forgiven him for all those times he's rubbed his house's victories in my face. In addition, he is a barmy git and many, many, _many_ years younger that I. And he smells horrid. However... So, much to the envy of all other women present, I did a little two-step around the makeshift dance floor with the vampire (I swear to Merlin that that man is one- all the facts add up! More on that later), pretending to enjoy myself after I could've sworn that I noticed, through my drunken haze, that Albus was staring at us. But then...

Everyone else, fairly drunk and lacking inhibitions, morals, and acceptable behavior, joined us on the next dance- Albus with Auriga (Hmmph. But the party _was_ in her honor, after all. I'm sure he was just being courteous), Alastor and Rolanda, Irma and Argus (serves her right for that snippy remark she made at the beginning of the party about how prim and proper-ish my tight bun made me look!) and Filius and Ponoma. Since there is an unequal ratio of men to women, Poppy and Sybill sat on the sidelines, drinking some sort of tequila and giggling.

The last thing I remembered before waking up in bed this morning- may I add, my _own bed-_ was seeing Snape's unattractive, sallow face slowly moving closer and closer to mine.

Ick.

Fortunately, though, according to Irma and Poppy (I'm not exactly sure I can trust those two, seeing as they were as drunk as I was, but...), before he could snog me- or whatever he was planning to do with those slimy, cold lips of his- Albus had rushed to my side, firmly grabbed me by the arm, and gently half-carried me back to my quarters. He even left a brilliant Hangover Potion on my nightstand and a light breakfast.

I love that man.

Strictly platonically, of course.

**September 18th, 1994  
7:01 AM**

Am still trying to decide what I would like for my upcoming birthday. Albus asked me during dinner last night with a twinkle in those _beautiful_ blue eyes of his. In other news...

My reputation has been officially ruined since that damn party. Irma seems to think it's for the better- ("You don't _really_ want to be always thought of as a stiff and stuffy old lady, do you?"), but, although I grudgingly admit that her assumption is true, I don't fancy my colleagues' current opinion of me either- as a stiff and stuffy old lady who let loose for one night and acted like a complete and total idiot. And couldn't even handle three measly shots of liquor!

**September 20th, 1994  
2:09 PM**

An extremely mundane and boring Sunday so far. I have all my third, fifth, and sixth year essays graded (Miss Granger insisted on helping me yesterday, though it was her birthday- what a sweet girl! No wonder she's my favorite student. I do pity her a bit, though...Bet that Ronald Weasley she so obviously fancies failed to even mention her birthday, let alone give her a present, daft bloke that he is! Perhaps that's why she seemed so shocked and pleased when I slipped her a neatly wrapped small gift this morning. Poor girl...some days I would dearly love to give the object of her affections- and his best mate- a right hard knock in the head in an attempt to knock, for lack of a better word, some sense into them when concerning the fairer sex. Or better yet, have a little chat with Ronald and make him reveal those strong feelings he has towards her to the dear girl...

Ah, young love.

**September 24th, 1994  
7:43 PM**

Albus requested my presence in his office after classes today. After making sure my hair looked just right and new robes were straight, I was on my merry way. To receive some not-so merry news, unfortunately.

After I had sat down, a bit too close to him for the sake of propriety, Albus sighed and peered at me over the top of his spectacles.

"I have some rather disconcerting news to share with you, Minerva," he said gently. "And, for now, I am asking that you will _not_ share this news with anyone else until I do so in the future. Strange things are starting to happen, Min." (I just about _melted_ at the use of his affectionate nickname for me.) "Disappearances, unusual events..."

"How come _I_ haven't heard about this before?" I asked stiffly.

Albus massaged his rather nice temples.

"It's not something the Ministry wants broadcasted. They are simply just shrugging it off, refusing to put their Aurors on the cases to investigate."

I got a sinking feeling that I knew what he was going to say next.

"You remember how it was, 25 years ago, Minerva. The list of missing persons that grew every day, unusual deaths. You remember the terror, the horror..."

He didn't have to spell it out for me.

"Voldemort," I whispered. "It's Voldemort, isn't it?"

"Not necessarily Voldemort himself," Dumbledore said gently. "He has not re-gained his full strength- or body, for that matter."

"Oh dear!"

"Yes, unless my assumptions are wrong, which- pardon my lack of modesty- they usually aren't, evil is on the rise once again."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked him shakily.

"Because, Minerva, I trust you above all others in this world. And I would hate to see anything happen to you. Please proceed with caution this upcoming year, especially during tournament, and keep an extra vigilant eye on Harry and his friends, as I have also asked of Severus and Alastor. Hogwarts is no longer the safe haven that we once all believed it to be, as was demonstrated with the Chamber of Secrets and the Sorcerer's Stone. Things are now in motion that cannot be undone." With that final cheery sentence, he kissed my hand and escorted me to the door.

**September 27th, 1994  
6:36 AM**

SevenReasons Why This Upcoming Year is Going to Be Dreadful:

1.) Albus believes that Voldemort is slowly coming back.

2.) I have established a horrid reputation for myself.

3.) Severus _hits_ on me.

4.) I _loathe_ Severus with a passion.

5.) Poppy, Auriga, Ponoma, Rolanda, and Irma simply _can not_ stop discussing the sexiness that Severus "simply radiates."

6.) Auriga hits on _MY _Albus.

and finally, and most importantly...

7.) I have **damn UNREQUITED LOVE! **Never mind the fact that Albus worries for my safety- we've been colleagues for how many years now? If he truly had any sort of romantic notions towards me, one would think that a man that clever would've acted on his feelings by now..

Scratch number seven...I truly, honestly, really don't like Albus. That was written in a moment of temporary insanity...

Keep on believing that, Min. Keep on believing that.

* * *

**Important A/N: Coming up on the 12th or 19th, depending on how busy my next few days are...**

**Chapter Numero Dos! Either an excerpt from the journal of Severus or Albus. I really haven't decided yet...it all depends. The way I _think_ the rest of this fiction will work is like this:**

**A chapter from McGonagall**

**A chapter from Severus**

**A chapter from Albus**

**Not necessarily in that order, though. **

**Hasta la vista!**


	2. The Secrets of Severus

**Fizzing Whizbees! 40 reviews! WOOT! First of all, I'd like to thank all the fabulous readers and reviewers of Chapter One. Your positive and honest feedback was extremely inspiring and helpful! A huge thank you goes out to: ShadowHexx771, Violet Kefira, SafetyXPins, Mrs. Phineas Nigellus, katie, SilentRaven987, Sing-my-heart-out, miss mcGonagle, BansheeGirl, EponineWeasley, BeaumontRulz, One With a Constant Sugar High, kitotterkat, Freelancer, -TheSingingBlob-, Lady Epur, Lumos2000, Ron Lover 2005, suckr4romance, brickabrack, ThePhantomIt14, Lara Potter, unknownspecies, Palanfanaiel, AshEllie, mAlFoYiSaWeSoMe, Pihllyactress, EM, skysongscry, Quill of Minerva, Ange Cavaliere, Loku, SherbetKitty, phunkymunky, HMS Frivolity and Felines, FairyKisses, Kaima, draco n hermione foreva, and last, but certainly NOT least, sportsnightnut. **

**Did anyone see GOF yet? I had theopportunity to attenda showing last night, and let me tell you..I was a bit disappointed. Many awesome parts of the book were cut out, and some were overly exaggerated and took up _way_ too much time. Random lines were added, and canon lines were changed around or said by a different character. How _hard_ is it to just _stick_ to the book? I understand that under the time constraint, things do have to be shortened or cut out all together. Butat least the events that _were_ included in the movie should be accurate to the book! Grrr...I'm still extremely irritated! Tons of things were just _messed up_. And, worst of all, the graveyard scene was WAY too short and just..._blegh._ I mean, that _IS _the climax of the book! Double grrr! However, I thought the Yule Ball scene was awesome, the tasks portrayed fairly well, etc. And, of course, Draco and Cedric were extremely hot. And Ron was rather adorable! And the interactions between those two... :_sighs: _Enough of my girly giggling...onto Chapter Numero Dos!**

**Read, review, and above all else, ENJOY, my friends!**

**Oh, just a quick note: This is NOT going to turn into a Severus and Minerva romance. I _assure_ you of that.You'll understand this note better after reading this chapter.**

* * *

**October 1st, 1994.  
10:08 PM**

Classes were absolute hell today. Those snotty first years burned _three_ cauldrons. One in particular, a pathetic little boy by the name of James Linkle, burned _two_ all by himself. Another Neville Longbottom...I would _dearly_ love to give that boy SUCH a spanking, but Albus unfortunately forbids us professors to physically punish our students, which is truly a pity. That sexy Angelina Johnson...whew...would truly delight in physically punishing her...could think of many, many, many wicked ways...

Igor is coming in less than a month, as Albus kindly reminded me at breakfast. We shall have a grand ole time reminiscing about our days running around together with those damn white masks on, killing, torturing, and seducing innocent Muggles. I shall take particular pleasure in reminding about that one time he tried to hit on one fine looking specimen of a female, only to later discover that "she" was Alastor, on an undercover, top-secret assignment in a clever disguise.

Number of detentions given: 10 – all to Gryffindors:-)

Number of times hit on by females: 5, all at dinner :-)

Number of times hit on by males: 0, thank Salazar :-)

Number of times I hit on Minerva: 2 :-)

Number of times Minerva hit on me: 0 :-(

All in all... a decent day.

**October 4th, 1994  
4:45 PM**

_What_ in Merlin does she see in that man? He's old. He's decrepit. He has white hair, for the sake of Salazar! And she seems to find that attractive?

Top Ten Reasons Why Minerva McGonagall Should Madly Lust After Severus Snape Instead of Albus Dumbledore

1. I have long, silky black hair.

2. I have a damn good body, if I say so myself. Not some frail, delicate pale thing. Not that I've ever seen his naked body, thank Merlin.

3. I actually have _muscles._

4. I am an experienced man. Never mind the fact that my only experience was in my sixth year at Hogwarts, when I was absolutely _dead_ drunk after a party in honor of Slytherin's winning the Quidditch Cup...

5. My lips are a delightfully deadly weapon- oh, if only Albus hadn't come to the rescue, Minerva would've learned that, firsthand...

6. I have excellent fashion sense. I don't flutter about in obnoxiously colored robes. I wear basic black- which, according to Witch Vogue, is SO in.

7. But I'm certainly not queer. Definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY not. I know for a fact that Lucius too subscribes to that particular magazine.

That doesn't make me feel much better.

8. I have big hands, big feet, and a big nose. And you know what they say about men like that...

9. I'm clever, witty and seductive.

And finally...

Darn. I can't think of the tenth reason...

This romance is doomed right from the beginning.

Same Day.  
11:42 PM

Minerva did not seem to be overly delighted by my birthday gift for her- five bottles of Firewhiskey. Hehe. I only thought that since she seemed to like it so much at Auriga's party, she'd fancy having a supply of her own to break into once in a while. Obviously not. Hmpph. But she clearly _loved_ Albus's gift to her- a bunch of assorted Muggle sweets. _MUGGLE SWEETS!_ Sweet Merlin, how much more pathetic can a man get?

**October 9th, 1994.  
****12:13 AM**

Lucius came to Hogwarts for a few hours this evening, basically to visit Draco, but I also had the opportunity to speak with him. The only thing I really got out of our conversation, especially after downing more than a few shots of something wicked sort of liquor he brought is that... black is the new pink. Or pink is the new black. BUGGER! Anyway, we discussed the newest issue of Witch Vogue and...and...and...and, that was about it. Lucius commented that by taking a revealing quiz on page 28, he discovered that he is a "strong, yet gentle" type of wizard. I question his sanity. I question the author of that quiz's sanity. Most of all, I question _my_ sanity for calling him one of my closest acquaintances! Not to mention that I question his sexuality. And my own at times, too, to be honest. I truly can't help that fact that I _live_ for receiving the newest issue of that magazine via private owl post. If word ever were to get out about my reading preference...Potter and his entourage would be on cloud nine. I must never, never, NEVER let that happen!

**October 16th, 1994.  
9:08 AM**

What have I done to deserve this?

In front of all of my colleagues, I opened an enticing looking package from that dratted owl of mine to find...

A huge bottle of Sheridan's Spectacular Shampoo. Anonymously sent. With a note attached to it though.

_Severus,_

_Use this shampoo well. You certainly need to._

I am _highly, highly_ offended. If this is Lucius's doing, I will castrate him. Very, very, VERY painfully. I have my ways. I also know for a fact that his hair- while it may look attractive- is the result of many, many galleons worth of hair gel- and baby shampoo! As well known as he is in our world, I'm sure many people would find that information highly useful- and amusing.

**October 18th, 2004.  
1:17 AM**

Once again, I am _highly, highly _offended- and superbly disgusted.

Ponoma tried to _seduce _me.

She came to my quarters, dressed in a ridiculously skimpy black dress- a piece of clothing a woman over 55 _clearly_ should never consider wearing. She had on so much bright red lipstick, blush, and blue eye shadow that it was unbelievingably _tacky. _Even _I _know that makeup is best if worn in small, unnoticeable amounts, just to enhance certain facial features. Anyway...

Me: "Ponoma...how surprising!" And it indeed was surprising. I have never, ever, _ever_ seen that women in anything but those dirt-covered robes of hers- and I truly don't wish to repeat the experience.

Her: "_Seeeevvverrrusss"_ Yes, she _purred._ Rather frightening, I will assure you. And, for good measure, she batted her eyelashes quite dramatically.

Me...Even I, the great and witty Severus Snape, could not formulate a clever comeback for a remark like _that._

Her: "Let's have a little fun tonight, Sev." She ran a finger down my arm. Her fingernails, I noticed, were still caked with dirt. Had I not already been turned-off by then for some obscene reason, that would have done it.

Me: "Hell no, Ponoma!" But that plant-obsessed witch was not deterred.

Her: "Oh, you _know_ you want to, Sev. It's obvious that you are quite... _aroused_.

Me: "Oh no, I certainly don't want to." _And even Irma would excite me more than you at this point in time!_

Her: "Yes you do! Oh, Sevy, if only you were aware of the extent of my feelings for you..."

Me: (rather stiffly) "I do believe I am by now."

Her: "Then you return the affections? Oh, _Sevvvvyyyyy..." _And then she attempted to jump straight into my arms. Her fairly high weight threw me off balance and we both landed on the floor, her on top of myself, face to face.

Me: "Remove yourself from my body _this instant!"_

Her: (after a long purr and with a valiant attempt at a seductive tone) "I don't think so, Severus. I have you right where I want you...beneath me!" And with that she puckered her lips up and...

Thank Merlin for Draco Malfoy, is all I have to say.

He rushed into my quarters and said breathlessly, "Professor, I'm sorry I'm late..." (we were going to have a shot of Firewhiskey or two and a man-to-man discussion) and then stopped dead in his tracks.

"Professor, what on _EARTH_ are you doing?"

"A just question, Draco," I snarled, attempting not to gag from the overwhelmingly horrid and dragon-manure-like smell of Ponoma's breath. "My wand, please?"

Draco picked up my wand from where it had fallen on the floor when Ponoma had attacked me and threw it in my general direction. It hit me smack-dab on my forehead.

I managed to shimmy one of my hands out from beneath her plump body (the nerve of that woman- she thought I was trying to touch her chest!) and grabbed my wand. I performed a nifty little spell that promptly gave me extra strength and was therefore able to lift her 90-kilogram body off my own.

"Goodbye, Ponoma," I said through gritted teeth as I forcefully escorted her through the door, setting up a very strong ward on the entrance to my corridors to assure that I would have no more unwanted guests for the rest of the evening.

"Is that the way to treat a woman?" Draco smirked.

"That's the way to treat a 62-year old woman dressed like a skank who is even better than a cold shower," I snorted, flopping back on my black leather couch. "Drink, Draco?"

"If you're having one, sir."

I poured out two shots of Firewhiskey and we downed them in unison.

Halfway through my shot, I suddenly choked as I realized who I was sitting in my quarters with- and who had seen Severus Snape, flat on his back and unable to move, with a 62-year old woman attempting to snog him. Now, had that been _Minerva_ on top of me, it would've been a completely different story. Nevertheless- dear Salazar! If Lucius ever were to find out about this...

There was no need for me to worry. The drink loosened Draco's tongue up enough to share some very interesting and revealing things with me. I highly doubt that he'll be telling his father about the occurrence this night any time soon. After all, I could just casually let it slip to Lucius that his son thinks that Hermione Granger is attractive...

**October 21st, 2004.  
4:09 PM**

The nerve of that girl.

Hermione Granger has once again earned a perfect score on her essay.

Beating even my dear godson, Draco.

No wonder he fancies her- he goes for the smart women.

As do I.

Minerva, oh Minerva, where art thou, Minrerva? Why won't thou pay the least bit of attention to thou's wonderful, charming, sexy colleague?

Number of detentions given: 18

Number of times hit on by females: 40- Fifteen times by Ponoma alone. Will that woman ever give up?

Number of times hit on by males: 3- Argus twice, and I think Hagrid once.

Number of times I hit on Minerva: 10

Number of times Minerva hit on me: 0- once again

Ah. It is hard being the most desired man at Hogwarts.

I am lusted after by everyone from Ponoma Sprout to Argus Filch. _Everyone_. That is, except for Albus and Minerva. The latter of which is the only person I _want_ to lust after me.

I wonder what color knickers she wears?

* * *

**Coming up on December 3rd: Probably a chapter by Minerva- I really haven't decided yet. I'm leaning towards having this fiction be an alternation between an excerpt from Minerva's journal and then one from Severus's. I truly have nothing against Dumbledore...it's just that I'm not exactly sure about what I would write for his and in what style...I tried to make Minerva and Severus's writing styles slightly different, seeing as they are of a different gender, but I'm not exactly sure I succeeded. At any rate, look for an update in two weeks! Have a great Thanksgiving, everyone:-)**


	3. Important Author's Note

**Ignore this. There was once upon a time an important Author's Note here, and when I tried to replace the content with that of Chapter 3, no alerts were sent out, etc and Ilostthe note since I did not have it backed up. And I'm not sure how to get rid of this useless chapter without losing the fifteen or so wonderful, encouraging comments I received about the note. So, for now, this isa blank chapter. Chapter 4 is really chapter 3- this is nothing.**

**- Legolascrazy17-**


	4. The Musings of Minerva II

**Howdy folks! I know this is a late posting, but I figure it's better late then never:-). **

**Thank you very much to all who reviewed Chapter 2 and left such sweet and encouraging words on my Author's Note! I love you all to pieces! However, I am very pressed for time, so I will not be able to thank you indivdually. I will do that on my newly created LiveJournal account in a few days, I promise!**

**Yes, I've started a LiveJournal account, and will very soon be posting the link on my profile. Please visit that site occassionally because I will have postings regarding fiction updates, new fictions, reviewer thank-yous,just general story information, etc. If you ever have any questions, complaints, or suggestions, feel free to leave them as a comment on my LiveJournal, or do not hesitate to drop me an email at cellover17ataoldotcom. (Sorry, but this site does not load email addresses correctly- it would be best to find mine on my profile page instead!)I LOVE to hear from people, I guarentee you:-)**

**When can you expect a new chapter on this story? I'm not exactly sure...probably not next weekend, hopefully before the new year..that's the only time frame I can give you because schoolwork, music and life in generalare beingmajor beastsright now! I barely cranked this chapter out :-(. So please, as I mentioned before, for sneak-peeks at upcoming chapters or stories or to get a better idea of when I will post, visit my Live Journal account!**

**Read, review, and above all else, enjoy, MY FRIENDS! I do think this chapter isn't as humorous or well-written as the others, and I apologize. You, as the reader, can be the judge of that. I've had a terrible case of writer's block and lack of time. :-(**

* * *

**October 27th, 1994.  
9:51 PM**

Is it possible to disown one's colleagues?

If so, I fully well plan on disowning Pomona, Rolanda, Irma, Poppy, Auriga, and Sybill. But especially the woman possessing the initials "P.S."

She's shameless. Absolutely _shameless._

You would think after that failed seduction attempt of hers a few weeks ago, she'd perhaps get the hint that Severus wants absolutely _nothing_ to do with her and her dirt-caked fingernails.

But, alas, _of course not._

She has cooked up a new plan- an even worse one.

One that _I_ inadvertently agreed to.

Irma waved a piece of parchment in front of my face late last night while I was correcting sixth year essays.

Seeing as this was after midnight- and Irma **_was_** my best friend- I thought nothing of it and quickly scrawled my signature in my typical neat and prim style.

And was therefore eternally bound to the contract...

DARNIT! #$&&$#!#$$

Auriga convinced Filius with a few bats of those ridiculously long eyelashes of hers to place some sort of crackpot charm on the "contract" of the plan. If any of the signers fails to go along with it...

Oh, _Merlin._ I can't even bear to share the consequences with my _own journal._

I need some sherry.

_Same Day  
10:32 PM_

In lieu of Min being sober, I, Irma Pince, who happened upon my dead-drunk friend five minutes ago, shall finish her previous journal entry.

Pom has created a _rather_ ingenious plan, I must say. The seven of us female professors here at Hogwarts are going to dress up in our skankiest costumes for the annual Halloween party in the staffroom, dance the evening away, flirt madly with Snape, then follow him back to his quarters and _pounce_ on the sexy beast. We shall take turns seducing him all night long:-)

Auriga, in a rare show of intelligence, had a completely _splendid _idea to ensure that _every single person_ would go along with the plan. She flirted outrageously with Filius or something along those lines and he put an _extremely_ strong charm on the contract outlining our strategies for that particular evening. If a signer does not complete the terms of the contract...

The charm will force her to jump the object-of-her-affections.

Hehe.

The way I see it, it's a win – win situation for me.

In the case that Min does go along with it...I will have the delight of watching my best friend let loose for yet a second time in our 15-year friendship (the first being at Auriga's birthday party this past September) or at least pretend to.

If she does not...then I, along with absolutely _everyone_ else will have the pleasure of watching her snog the brains out of Albus with a vicious passion, as I am fully aware she truly- although she would never admit it- wishes to.

Ah. Life is good.

**October 30th, 1994.  
1:07 AM**

Perhaps life is good for that snoopy, conniving wench of a librarian and her partners in crime. And that darn ringleader who should plan on seducing Mandrakes rather than Severus. I'm sure they'd be a great deal more receptive...

But not for Minerva McGonagall.

Oh, _no no_ _no!_

I've been tossing and turning in bed for _four hours._ _Four hours!_ I am _exhausted,_ yet I cannot sleep. As was the case last night- but it was far worse then, for I still had a wretched hangover from the night before. Damn sherry seems to be resistant to Sev's Anti-Hangover potion. I will certainly be having a word with Rosmerta about the liquor she supplies...

What am _I going to do?_

_Same Day.  
2:15 AM_

Pros of "snogging the brains out of Albus with a vicious passion," as Irma so eloquently put it:

1. I will be in _absolute_ heaven. That is, if by a sudden bout of insanity, he actually _returns the kiss._

2. I will be able to feel those beautiful lips of his against my own- so red, soft, and entirely delectable looking... For the sake of Godric, Rowena, and Helga...I_ sound like an over-hormoned teenager! _

3. I won't have to wear that minute piece of practically translucent fabric that Pomona has the nerve to insist is a _costume._ If that's a costume, then Ronald Weasley does not fancy Hermione Granger. Oh, those two are rather cute...always sneaking glances at each other, blushing, smiling...

I'm a hopeless romantic, I'll admit it.

Cons of "snogging the brains out of Albus with a vicious passion," as Irma so eloquently put it:

1. Our friendship will be _ruined._

2. He will certainly pull away from the kiss in a split-second and give me a look intermixed with disgust and pity.

3. I will learn for sure that he does not return the affections.

4. I will be labeled by all as a scarlet woman who has no control over her lustful urges. After all, as Rolanda gleefully reminded me at dinner, the charm will randomly make me launch myself at _HIM_ at the most inappropriate moment, probably in front of the whole student body.

I reckon I'll have to don that skanky cat costume on Saturday night...

Darnnit! Just realized that Igor Karakoff and Olympe Maxime will be attending the party, seeing as both delegations are arriving...

TODAY?

I must make a good impression on those foreign visitors.

I truly don't believe that showing up at a Halloween party clad in an outfit created for a _prostitute _will do the job.

Neither will uncontrolled sexual advances at the dinner table.

O, me miserum!

_Same Day.  
9:03 PM_

Igor is rather scruffy looking. Not at _all_ what I expected. Absolutely . His students, on the other hand... well, letno one gave him a second glance us just say that the young witches of Hogwarts will certainly have some fresh, rather good-looking meat to gossip about...

I am still torn between the two options.

It's pathetic, really.

That, I, a 68-year old woman with superior intellect, cannot make a single, incredibly small decision.

_Noooooo._

Instead, I spend _hours _considering the pros and cons.

This is utterly _ridiculous._

Alas! I could just forewarn Severus!

Ha! I'll still have to dress like a scarlet woman for a good four or so hours, but there will be no seduction...he can put up super-strong wards of some sort or spend the night elsewhere to thwart his crazed fangirls

I love being clever.

**October 31st, 1994.  
5:31 AM**

The three champions will be announced tonight.

Oh, I do hope it's Angelina Johnson or Alicia Spinnet. What a kind, sweet, clever girls they are- and excellent representatives of the Gryffindor house. Godric would be _most_ pleased.

It would wipe the smirk off Severus's face. He seems to think that the Goblet will surely choose Montague, Pucey, or one of those other horrid Slytherin sixth or seventh years. For what, I may ask? Their superb ability to bully those younger and most likely more intelligent than themselves?

I know as a professor I am supposed to be fair to all students, but, to be brutally honest...

I loathe Slytherins (except for Sev, at times). With a _passion._

Even more than I do _Pomona _and _Irma _right now

And that's saying a lot.

_Same Day.  
12:04 PM_

Severus was extremely grateful that I gave him such a large tip-off about this plan for this evening. He even promised to somehow break the Anti-Altering spell on my costume and make it much more modest.

Everything was fine and dandy until...

He asked if he could stay in _my _quarters after the party.

That stopped me dead in my tracks- literally.

Greasy, slimy, slithery Severus Snape in _my_ quarters for nearly eight hours?

I think not...imagine the rumors that would fly throughout Hogwarts...

But of course, seeing as I have a soft heart, I grudgingly agreed to conjure up a small cot- a very hard, small cot, I may point out- I don't want to be too accommodating, for obvious reasons- for him.

Although I am not entirely found of the man, I would much rather he spend the night with me than have to experience seven giggling, crazed witches dressed like skanks attempting to shag him.

Even I'm not cold enough to turn a man in _that _situation away.

Oh, bugger, that sounded rather wrong.

_Same Day.  
11:32 PM_

Just a quick entry before I leave for the party...

The Goblet of Fire made its momentous decision approximately three hours ago. Victor Krum is the Durmstrang champion. Fleur Declaour for Beauxbatons, and Cedric Diggory for Hogwarts. And...

**_HARRY POTTER_ **is Hogwart's **_SECOND _**champion.

This is absolutely _absurd. _The poor boy is _fourteen years old_. He will be competing against witches and wizards nearly _three years his senior._ Not that Harry won't be able to handle it- he is certainly advanced for his age- but I still fear for his safety. Alastor's warning keep running through my head..."Maybe someone's hoping Potter _is_ going to die for it..." That, in combination with what Albus gently broke to me last month about You-Know-Who possibly regaining his earlier power creates an extremely ominous feeling in the pit of my stomach. Who would be powerful enough to hoodwink the goblet with a Confudus Charm, forcing it to spit out Harry's name? I shudder to even consider the possibilities...

So there was plenty of chaos and controversy for a good two hours afterwards, with much false accusations and finger-pointing occurring. Igor had the nerve to insist that everyone from myself to Argus somehow played a role in the surprising turn of events. Severus had to physically restrain me from tackling that fur-wearing prat when he called Albus "an incompetent headmaster, full of complete and utter rubbish."

Grrrr. If that man and I are ever alone in a dark and deserted corridor...illegal _things_ will very quickly unfold.

With Igor, I mean. _Certainly_ not Albus. If I ever find myself alone with that sexy beast in a secluded corner..._immoral_, rather than _illegal_ things will be done on my part...

**November 1st, 1994.  
3:30 AM**

I'm not feeling very comfortable with this whole "Snape in my quarters and a mere three hundred feet away from" situation.

Well, at least he's in a separate bed. And, thank Merlin, he _does not_ sleep shirtless. That is a relief. I've seen quite enough skin to last me one evening...

"Oh, Min, you look _darling,"_ Pomona cooed the second I walked through the staffroom door, cloak wrapped around myself as _tightly as possible._

"I'm sure I do," I said with saccharine sweetness. "It's a pity that no one will have the delight of seeing my _darlingness, _though." I lowered my voice. "This cloak is HERE TO STAY!"

"That's not part of the contract, dearie," that b-with-an-itch-of-a-witch tinkled, summoning the deep purple fabric in instant. There was a sharp intake of breath in unison from all of my colleagues.

"Merlin, Min, you look _hot,"_ Irma said enviously.

Oh, yes. I'm sure a 68-year old woman squeezed into a skintight black leotard and black tights, with little cat ears perched atop her head and fake whiskers is _extremely _hot to most people.

I took a quick glance Severus's fan club and very quickly concluded that perhaps I did look rather _hot,_ compared to _them. _After all, I've been told by many that I'm the mind and soul of a 68-year old in the body of a 30-year old woman. Quite flattering, to be honest. Anyway... onto the disturbing costumes that I'm sure corrupted the innocent mind of Filius:

Rolanda: Skintight black leather miniskirt and top and knee-high black boots. I think she was going for the "motorcycle girl" look, or whatever those crazy Muggles call it, but it _did not work._ Let me assure you of that.

Irma: Scandalously short plaid skirt, low-cut blouse, and a huge overdose of make-up. "Naughty schoolgirl look" + 50-year old librarian did _not _equal success.

Sybill: The most conservative of the lot, but nevertheless still fairly inappropriate. Knee-length, gypsy skirt of outrageous colors that was nearly see-through, belly-baring silk blouse, and numerous scarves all over the place.

Poppy: Shortened and shrank her typical nurse's uniform tremendously. Ick.

Auriga: Belly-dancer. Enough said.

And finally, the worst of all:

Pomona: Playbwizard bunny. I will not even attempt to go into a detailed description, for fear if anyone were to ever read this it, they'd vomit the entire contents of their stomach, all vital organs, muscles, nerves, skin, blood, and nerve cells, etc. and choke to death on the upchuck. It was _that_ despicable and disgusting. I wretch just thinking about thinking about it.

Damnit. I'm positive that Severus is _totally_ trying to read what I'm writing from his cot with that X-ray vision of his...

X-ray vision? Double damnit! That means he can see through the blankets I have wrapped so tightly around myself in abrilliant imitation of a mummy and will know that I'm wearing...a nightgown! Well, it is of a Victorian-style- high necked, long-sleeved, frilly, very all-around modest...but _still. _I do NOT want Severus Snape gaping at my LEGS!

I need some sherry. Either that, or a good night's rest.

And, seeing as I'm not alone...I'll choose the latter. Wouldn't want to ruin my repuation..would I?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


End file.
